Dan + Shay Cover Taylor Swift’s “Back To December” (A Rant)


I heard that Dan + Shay were going viral with their version of Taylor Swift’s song “Back to December,” and decided to give it a quick peep. Next thing I knew, my manhood proceeded to shrivel like a maggot in a microwave, and spontaneously invert into my pelvic region until all that was left was a full-on life-sized Mattel Ken Doll version of a completely featureless man-gina. Thanks Dan + Shay, you twerps.

You crave hearing a new song from Dan + Shay like you crave hearing Christmas music before Halloween. The emasculated tones, the aggressive use of AutoTune, the entirely soul-bereft delivery, it’s everything safe and dull about American music concentrated and purified into its most generic form.

You’d call it a snooze fest, but a sedate, emotionless reaction is not exactly what Dan + Shay’s music inspires. It’s more of a sense of wanting to self-immolate if necessary to permanently and forever remove one’s self from the audience of another single auditory note from this maniacally terrible duo, even if that comes with the complete expiration of one’s life to fulfill this wish.

So apparently after a clip of these two grown ass men singing “Back To December” at a sound check went viral, they decided to record a studio version of a song Taylor Swift wrote when she was 18—totally and completely normal behavior for a couple of dudes who are 33 and 38 respectively, but like Peter Pan, seem to be permanently affixed to a prepubescent state, despite the stubble.

And no, we’re not just twisting off on some B-side off-cycle single that will pass like a shart in the wind. Dan + Shat’s version of “Back To December” currently sits in the Top 10 of Billboard’s Hot Country Songs chart, they performed it on the poor Opry, and some are calling it the “song of the winter” and surmising it might become the latest edition to the Christmas music canon.

Yeah, move over Mariah Carey and Brenda Lee. Dan + Shay can’t even knock off Brothers Osborne and a mostly retired Brooks & Dunn for a CMA Best Duo trophy, but all of a sudden they’re roaring back to “country” music relevancy with a 15-year-old Taylor Swift song.

But please don’t misunderstand this as a knock on Taylor Swift or “Back To December” specifically. She’s was punching way above her weight in 2010 when she wrote the album Speak Now all by herself, along with co-producing it too. Taylor Swift has way bigger balls than Dan + Shay combined, and according to her new song “Wood,” a shaft like a redwood tree to climb via her famous hubby.

As for Dan + Shay, why don’t they make like Florida Georgia Line and split? It’s amazing how much damage they can do with two microphones, a piano, and enough Antares AutoTune to to draw Nicolás Maduro out of a bunker with his hands up.


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