Florida-Georgia Line’s ‘Get Your Shine On’ (Pictorial Rant)
I bet you never though you’d see a member of a double platinum-selling “country” band getting humped by a Mexican midget wrestler on the beach like a poodle going to town on a human leg, did you? But you probably never thought Big Machine Record’s Florida-Georgia Line would ever rise above being stars of the cruise ship cover band circuit where they belong. These dudes are the proverbial sand in the country music Vaseline.
In direct violation of every single rule of country music and the State Department’s South American travel warning, Florida-Georgia line flies down to fake Mexico to participate in a music video that becomes one of the most “WHAT THE HELL?!?!” moments in country music history. This music video is only a couple of quaaludes away from a tasteless Girls Gone Wild installment. Or, a Boys Gone Wild installment for that matter. Because as Pretty Boy and Capt. Douche Rocket from Florida-Georgia Line hook up with a couple of girls looking for anything capable of an erection, their band hooks up with a couple of midget Mexican wrestlers who proceed to dry hump them on the beach.
No, I’m not kidding. Even Scott Borchetta thinks this shit is weird.
But before we go any further, I have to pat myself on the back for a victory, and give Florida- Georgia Line a little credit. Remember this from the last Florida-Georgia rant?
Well that’s right, I finally got these bastards to plug in their stupid guitars as they fake play them. If I never accomplish anything else through this dumb website, at least I will have done that.
What I am most awe struck about is how inanely similar the “Get Your Shine On” song and video are to Florida-Georgia Line’s last single “Cruise.” The song structure is very similar, the tone on the guitar and the vocal range sounds exactly the same, and even the video follows nearly the same dumb storyline just in a different setting, relying on hot women to make up for a lack of substance. This is Xerox country.
The lyrics in this song read like ad copy from GQ. “Silverado, candy painted. Ray Ban’s got the whole world shaded.” It’s the same lyrical obsession with physical artifacts that is the venereal disease of today’s male-dominated mainstream country, but what else could you expect from a band that has songs titled, “It’z Just What We Do” and “Dayum, Baby.”
And in everything I’ve seen from these turds, the long-haired Tyler Hubbard is doing all the work. So what exactly is the point of the other one, Brian Kelley? Is he supposed to just stand there and look pretty? Or is he there at all times just in case Tyler Hubbard needs his hair held back as he vomits his designer drugs into a toilet? The only reason this is a “duo” is the same reason there’s all these redundantly-fronted “groups” in country music these days like Lady Antebellum and Little Big Town: they’re all trying to exploit the duo and group categories of country’s incessant awards shows.
This is truly a country music embarrassment. I’m gonna let the pictures tell the rest of the story for those smart enough not to sit through the video.
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What’s going on here? Don’t ask.
Oh be gentle!
Wait, how did this get in here?
What happens in Cancun, stays in Cauncun.
March 4, 2013 @ 2:14 pm
“Homo-erotic Mexican midget wrestling on the beach”
No one should ever have to use that as a tag. *bangs head repeatedly into wall*
March 4, 2013 @ 4:06 pm
If this was a Gwar video i would have no problem with it.
March 4, 2013 @ 4:19 pm
This video is very Gwarish in a weird, convoluted way.
March 7, 2013 @ 6:50 pm
in a very unconvoluted and sure way I wish Gwar WOULD cut their heads off.
March 7, 2013 @ 6:47 pm
Gwar would cut their heads off.
March 4, 2013 @ 4:08 pm
“Well that”™s right, I finally got these bastards to plug in their stupid guitars as they fake play them. If I never accomplish anything else through this dumb website, at least I will have done that.”
I think maybe they need another helpful lesson, like “not while you’re in the water, dummy.”
March 4, 2013 @ 4:20 pm
Or maybe we should just let them learn that lesson on their own 😉
March 4, 2013 @ 11:43 pm
“Baby, me can’t swim!”
March 4, 2013 @ 4:19 pm
The song certainly triggered my gag reflex.
These guys look like poster-boys for the Beta male concept.
March 4, 2013 @ 5:50 pm
I could handle “Cruise” all the way through only once; I shut this one off at about the 30-second mark when the lyrics kicked in. :p
Oddly enough, a few days ago on the local weekly talk-radio program ‘The Mulberry Lane Show,’ sisters/hosts Rachel, Heather Bo and Allie Kat interviewed F-GL. It wasn’t as painful as I’d anticipated (until a clip of “Cruise” was played at the end of the segment), but I mostly just tuned out until the ladies’ interview with Suzy Bogguss later on in the show.
March 4, 2013 @ 8:25 pm
what will they come up with next. just reiterates that most people don’t give a crap about lyrics, a good story, or something that speaks to your soul. they only want a beat and a chorus thats easy to remember. its a shallow world we live in.
March 4, 2013 @ 11:36 pm
The nadir of the song itself is the lyric that closes the second verse: “So slide that little sugar shaker over here!” -__-
Oh……….and once more, poor grammar in a song chorus (“You and me be rockin’ all night long.”) -__-
March 4, 2013 @ 11:41 pm
I will confess this, however.
Forgetting this video exists and pretending this is an instrumental, this bolsters some sunny musical wallpaper that can’t help but sound uplifting hearing it, as generic as its composition may be.
So I suppose I’m admitting the production works. The fact this does have deplorable lyrics, however, overrides the few brownie points I’d give the “duo” on their ability to compose big choruses with potential guilty-pleasure alchemy.
November 9, 2013 @ 1:37 pm
The nadir of the song itself is the lyric that closes the second verse: “So slide that little sugar shaker over here!”
”¦yeah. I would go so far as to say that line right there is arguably the nadir of country music, period. I was subjected to this song Friday morning getting breakfast on my way to work, and my soul wept bitter tears.
March 5, 2013 @ 1:09 am
they are closing in on their 14th minute of their 15 minutes.
March 5, 2013 @ 1:49 am
As much as I’d like to believe this to be true, I feel we’re in for a rude awakening.
They’re opening for Taylor Swift right now. They sold out a string of club circuit shows as of late. They even played the Grand Frickin’ Opry already, for crying out loud!
And unlike, say, Love And Theft………..Florida-Georgia Line are actually shifting albums for Jove knows what reason.
It is for these reasons why I fear we haven’t even reached the midway point of this promotional cycle yet, and the worst is yet to come, especially with Borchetta in command. They even appeared at a radio conference from what I’ve read, and “It’z Just What We Do” was tipped as a probable succeeding single (along with “Round Here”). If “It’z Just What We Do” indeed gets minted a single, I’ll dare declare that the new nadir in country radio of all time.
March 5, 2013 @ 8:25 am
Unfortunately I think you’re right. I see these dudes winning “Vocal Duo of the Year” awards for years to come. Eventually their one trick may wear out, but it won’t be for a while.
March 8, 2013 @ 12:39 pm
c
March 5, 2013 @ 3:20 am
They are deadly boring, nothing is interresting. They are just good for Taylor’s fans.
Directly in the trash is the better thing to do with it.
March 5, 2013 @ 4:03 am
That’s amazing.
I’ve never seen anything like that…..
Hold on, I’m watching this….
March 5, 2013 @ 8:45 am
Never heard of this band. I watched “Get Your Shine On” and it was surreal…I see vibrant, pretty ladies yet I feel queasy and have the facial expression one would experience when smelling street sewage in a third world country.
March 5, 2013 @ 10:54 am
I wish someone would have plugged the power cord in while they were standing in the water.
March 5, 2013 @ 11:35 am
Geez that was painful to watch. pure crap. This gets my vote for the worst song and video of the year. There are nothing but two douche bag hunky boys with no talent.
March 5, 2013 @ 4:55 pm
I didn’t know Neil Patrick Harris had a band….
Dance Moms Pre Game Tiddy Bits
March 5, 2013 @ 7:11 pm
[…] “Pretty Boy and Capt. Douche Rocket” […]
March 5, 2013 @ 8:14 pm
Yikes. I’m a big fan of mexican midget wrestling, but this is just too far. 😛
March 6, 2013 @ 12:33 pm
Okay, I totally agree with everything you said here, except one thing. There is NO way that you can actually include Little Big Town on the same page as Florida-Georgia Line. They are actually talented, their music as substance, nothing like Lady Antebellum or Florida George Line.
Besides that, I agree. These guys are very possibly one of the worst things to come out of country music in the last few years.
March 6, 2013 @ 1:15 pm
I included Little Big Town more as an example as a multi-fronted group as opposed to making a sonic comparison between them and anyone else.
March 6, 2013 @ 4:01 pm
These guys were part of the Tuesday Night Opry Salute Show on March 5th to the artists who died in the Patsy Cline plane crash 50 years before. They were acting like drunk rednecks and were completely out of place on the roster that night. They sound to me like a bad Montgomery Gentry cover band that just came off a bender! I don’t think Top 40 AirHead Country Radio has quite hit rock bottom yet, but with these doofuses doing well on the airwaves it’s got to be close…
March 7, 2013 @ 7:58 am
I was not smart enough not to sit through the video! Dangit.
Are we in some kind of cycle? Is this crap going to get to the point when even the casual music listener says, “nope. This is just too awful.” And then good–or at least tolerable– music can be heard?
I don’t really care if what I like is popular, but I just want to shake some of my coworkers and family who like this stuff.
March 12, 2013 @ 10:17 am
It seems this blight has remixed their song “Cruise” to make it a crossover hit. They chose rapper Nellie to help them
http://www.cmt.com/videos/cmt-news/887244/cmt-connected-3122013-florida-georgia-line-remix-cruise.jhtml#id=1703434
April 24, 2013 @ 5:01 pm
This is bullshit as I sit around drinking a Budweiser in the back of my 85 Chevy pick up hanging with a field full of my old high school buddies and chicks who are soo interested in work shirts and jeans. Wait I just wrote a fucking country song! Wait if I mention how tough we are here in my small town and that we don’t take no shit, while we chew our tabacco and chew then spit, I might just convey a sudo metro outlaw country superstar image! 2 parts Tim McGraw 1 part Kenny Cheney and a little kid rock chaser and you have these half faggots. Yea I am pissed I’m 23 and have yet to experience a decent movement in country music. Lets just turn on our waylon and ignore this shit like the plague
June 3, 2013 @ 9:17 pm
“The only reason this is a “duo” is the same reason there”™s all these redundantly-fronted “groups” in country music these days like Lady Antebellum and Little Big Town: they”™re all trying to exploit the duo and group categories of country”™s incessant awards shows.”
Little Big Town trades off lead vocals between all FOUR of the members on their albums, or at least they used to. I haven’t heard the entirety of the “Tornado” album, just the radio singles. With four members that sing, I’m not really sure how that qualifies as “redundantly-fronted.”
November 9, 2013 @ 5:46 pm
Well, I am pleased to see I wasn’t the only one who noticed the stupidity of playing electric instruments while knee deep in water.