Thank God: Inaugural Florida Georgia Line Fest Canceled
If you’ve ever doubted the existence of a higher power, or the ability in all of its supreme benevolence to summon the forces of nature and impose its will upon the crust of the Earth, perhaps you now have a reason to hit your knees. Not that you were planning on going to the inaugural Florida Georgia Line Fest ahead of the running of the NASCAR Brickyard 400 at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on Saturday if you have any taste, or that it was even on your radar. But as a true country music fan, it’s hard to not find a little satisfaction in the fact that the entire damn thing got washed out due to torrential rains.
Not really sure why they needed to cancel the FGL Fest though. They could have just let the Florida Georgia Line fans launch their douche canoes in the flooded infield while covered speakers blasted pre-recorded Florida Georgia Line songs out over the crowd. That’s basically what ticket holders would have received anyway, sans the pair prancing around on stage in $700 custom-ripped jeans lip-syncing, or singing their insipid garbage through an Auto-tuner.
Preliminary reports out of Indianapolis of why God was so pissed that he sent a flood down on the pestilence that is Florida Georgia Line’s music say it probably has to do with the duo booking washed-up rapper Nelly on the lineup despite three open claims against him of rape and sexual harassment.
All the hypocrites in country media calling for the protection of women in the genre stayed curiously mum on that subject, and now the Indianapolis Police Department has to procure a place to store all the extra rape kits they ordered in preparation of Nelly and Florida Georgia Line’s fans arrival in town. Meanwhile Blake Shelton Stans are trying to figure out how to blame the festival cancellation on Miranda Lambert.
That makes 2018 in country music o for 2 with its worst artist-curated festival events going off without a hitch. Sam Hunt’s stupid all-genre “Nashional” festival in Music City also got 86’d earlier this year due to poor demand. Can’t blame God for that one, though we all know that the Almighty in all of his infinite wisdom is for the preservation of the roots in country music, and has been a huge Cody Jinks fan since he released Less Wise.
Anyway, here’s for little miracles, like the inaugural Florida Georgia Line fest being a no go.
September 9, 2018 @ 8:32 am
I’ve missed more concerts and ate more tickets (got a little $ back on the secondary market) this year due to the rain. I’ll be able to make a list of missed shows to rival my best shows at the end of the year.
September 9, 2018 @ 8:34 am
Sorry, Dirtroad.
September 9, 2018 @ 12:00 pm
Dirt road is two words, not one, Honchess. It’s an unpaved road, not to be confused with a gravel road. They’re commonly found in rural areas. You should go see one, sometime.
September 10, 2018 @ 12:00 pm
I love when an East coast, city boy rock journalist tries to explain a dirt road to a Western cattle rancher. Pure genius. I assumed you were sitting on the dirt road you were advertising as open for business.
September 10, 2018 @ 3:42 pm
Playing Farmville on your bedazzled iPad doesn’t count as “cattle ranching”, but nice try, Honchess 😉
You should take the mini-van out of the culdisac sometime. Some sunlight and fresh air would do wonders for you.
September 10, 2018 @ 5:30 pm
Hey, I can fit four small bales in a minivan. Way better than your Miata.
September 11, 2018 @ 5:35 am
Those Miata’s look kinda cool, but seriously out of our price range. And a little cramped.
A big girl like you is right to go with the minivan, Honchess. And look at you, doing math! So proud 🙂
September 11, 2018 @ 9:17 am
I dont doubt that you can’t afford a Miata. Successful writers generally possess at least a tiny bit of wit. You might consider manual labor if you can get up before noon.
September 11, 2018 @ 9:23 am
Holy shit, did we just invent time travel, Honchess?
Think about it real hard, princess. You can figure it out 😉
September 11, 2018 @ 12:31 pm
Really, Honchess? You can’t figure this one out? C’mon dude, I knew you were a big phony and a walking cliche, but I was sure even you could get something this obvious. Wow…
September 9, 2018 @ 8:55 am
Wow they look like total doucheclowns in every photo, it’s almost impressive.
September 9, 2018 @ 9:08 am
Yeah…don’t know what designer denim shade is hitting the hardest right now? Just wear them all on your shirt thing. What takes the cake though, and really makes me laugh, is watching them do their wannabe hiphop hand gestures. If you’re having a bad day and just need a laugh, watch the video for “This is How we Roll.” Gets me every time.
September 9, 2018 @ 11:07 am
dead on scott ….that whole hand schtick by EVERYONE now is the ultimate ” I am so un-original , so not unique and so barren of even the slightest semblance of artistic perspective but aching for you to like me anyway cuz I can at least try to LOOK relevant ” statement .
frighteningly funny
September 9, 2018 @ 12:19 pm
Ohhhhhhh that’s where Kane Brown learned how to do that….lol
September 9, 2018 @ 2:31 pm
Jay Leno is their denim fashion designer!!
November 30, 2018 @ 4:57 pm
Haha i just watched that video! Had to watch with the volume muted so as not to puke. Hard to wrap my head around how this could EVER be mistaken for country. The girls standing there rubbing themselves for the camera really makes me wonder what idiots this is being marketed to.
September 9, 2018 @ 9:23 am
Not to mention all the illegitimate children that have been spared
September 9, 2018 @ 10:57 am
………that picture alone had me on the floor ,Trigger .
your article helps explain things to the 3 or 4 people who don’t already ‘get it ‘ from the picture
September 9, 2018 @ 11:36 am
I can’t decide which one of them has the more punch-able face.
And I’m a pacifist.
September 10, 2018 @ 12:01 pm
Luckily, you have two fists.
September 10, 2018 @ 1:16 pm
Mike Honcho gets the Comment of the Day Award.
Well done, sir! Well done.
September 9, 2018 @ 12:04 pm
Sucks for all the vendors and event staff, as well as the supporting artists and crew. Gigs cancelled on such short notice can be costly.
September 9, 2018 @ 12:07 pm
Nothing funnier than rape jokes!
September 9, 2018 @ 12:29 pm
It’s gotta be risky putting out satire in this environment. Thanks for doing it.
Your now-rare “Down with pop country” fake news and tirades are always enjoyable and a nice change of pace.
September 9, 2018 @ 12:30 pm
Happy that this is real news, just applauding the tone 🙂
September 9, 2018 @ 1:18 pm
I usually appreciate and respect your commentary, even when I don’t always agree with it, but taking satisfaction in the cancellation of an event that employed many people and brought enjoyment to so many more just seems a bit shallow. You can hate someone without wishing them failure in every endeavor.
September 9, 2018 @ 2:51 pm
Bullshit. Anybody that is even loosely affiliated with FGL is my mortal enemy. Whatever enjoyment is linked to these turds has been stolen from fans of real country music. And furthermore anybody that enjoys this computer generated numbness is probably already dead inside, and lack the intelligence or capacity to recognize that they have been slighted. Fuck FGL and the iMac they rode in on.
September 9, 2018 @ 3:02 pm
Read Phil Oxford’s comment above.
September 9, 2018 @ 3:42 pm
Well, that puts things in a much better context. Thanks, Trigger!
September 10, 2018 @ 7:13 am
I take satisfaction in everything that will make us a better person. FGL output is mainly pollution. Reducing pollution makes my life better.
Now going back to their profile picture. I would laugh if they would make a parody of something but they are serious clearly!.. Have we seen anything more ridiculous in country music than these two clowns? It sounds like they are always heading to the thrift store to take selfies while wearing all kind of costumes. lol
September 10, 2018 @ 9:07 am
I would argue Kane Brown, Walker Hayes, and the rest of the nobodies trying to pass off corny adult contemporary music as country are far more ridiculous. At least FGL, however weird, are have a bit more respect for the genre, despite most of the crap they’ve put out.
September 9, 2018 @ 4:54 pm
Dude on the right is going on safari at his local Whole foods. Dude on left is from Carrick, PA
September 9, 2018 @ 5:04 pm
Very funny buildup to the text of the post.
I had a performance by these guys thrust into my face at the Daytona 500 a couple of years ago.
I hear entirely too much faux country music emanating from the tailgate sections of the track exteriors.
September 9, 2018 @ 6:23 pm
Wow! This is a little too deep for me. All of you people on this site should be College professors…. I don’t mean that cynically. I have watched Brett young sing Mercy live on TV at all I can hear is the music in the background he needs to throw his voice so I can hear him as well. Studio s*** doesn’t cut it!
September 9, 2018 @ 6:23 pm
Thanks for the laughs from this ! 🙂
Nelly at this fest to begin with is as out-there as if a ‘Country’ Artist were to perform their own set at a Hip-Hop Fest. How would that go over.
From the (semi)-crazed ‘Ran’ fanclub, the back goes up to see our gal Miranda blamed yet again. (ha,ha) Her strong alibi–has been working on Pistol Annie’s next Album—Possibly to be released this fall.
I’m sure God is a Cody Jinks fan 🙂
I still think ‘Dirt’ is a decent song (I was doing so well)
(Trigger you don’t have to post this if too much ‘fluff’, just having fun)
September 9, 2018 @ 8:53 pm
What an absolutely hateful article. The author of this article sounds so angry, and for what reason? Perhaps try writing an article from both lenses instead of one very pessimistic viewpoint. I am completely disgusted by this. The Brickyard 400 and country music are dear to some of our hearts.
September 9, 2018 @ 9:41 pm
If country music were really dear to your heart, you wouldn’t be listening to Florida Georgia Line.
September 9, 2018 @ 10:28 pm
This.
” If country music were really dear to your heart, you wouldn’t be listening to Florida Georgia Line.”
I mean really RSeeR…FGL is what you actually call ‘country music ” ?
September 10, 2018 @ 2:05 am
Said nothing about Florida Georgia Line. Simply that this article is quite hateful across the board—in regards to the event, the musicians, the race.
Really we’re all entitled to like whatever we choose. Just not sure this article had to be written from such a deep-seeded, hateful stance.
September 10, 2018 @ 11:09 am
”Really we’re all entitled to like whatever we choose. ”
Absolutely ! I LOVE Esperanza Spalding , Oregon , Steely Dan , Patti Griffin , Josh Groban and AC DC but I never call any of it ” Country ” music . Why are we calling FGL , Hunt and Kane Brown ” COUNTRY” music . Its pop …plain and simple…!
September 11, 2018 @ 3:20 pm
Dude, shut up. No one cares what your self-righteous ass thinks.
September 12, 2018 @ 10:02 am
”Dude, shut up. No one cares what your self-righteous ass thinks.”
……or yours , based on your ‘ likes ‘ , Mike …
I care what everyone with an ACTUAL opinion thinks. THAT helps me make sense of what the hell is going on in the country music genre .
September 13, 2018 @ 2:05 pm
Albert, that comment was directed at RseeR, not you. I should have specified. Sorry
September 10, 2018 @ 5:46 am
Isn’t the mere existence of FGL stong evidence that God has thrown in the towel on County Music?
September 10, 2018 @ 6:54 am
wow, u just couldn’t leave Blake Shelton’s name out of this
September 10, 2018 @ 8:16 am
Brother you are darn right it’s hateful, and I’m a body filled to the brim with hate and I confess to taking immeasurable delight in reading this article.
I hate Florida Georgia Line, the people who write their songs and the people who listen to their songs.
Because they took Country Music away from me.
And I’m madder than a weasel in a cardboard shirt and I won’t tolerate them, their fans, their defenders, their fashion choices, or to have them within the same state as me.
Get out of Country Music and get out of my life and leave me to my own devices and let me find my own music without polluting it
September 10, 2018 @ 2:27 pm
Madder than The Weasel in a cardboard shirt? C’mon Fuzzy, you gotta let us know how you got Pauly Shore into a cardboard shirt!
September 10, 2018 @ 9:08 am
Yep, Triggerman, you did accept the Country Music Messiah calling. Now here’s God doing your bidding, as you make damn sure not to “leave them boys alone and let them sing their song” (sorry, Waylon). Not another note from FGL if you and God have your way right? Right.
September 10, 2018 @ 2:05 pm
“Madder then a weasel in a cardboard shirt” I don’t need to read anything else to be happy for the rest of the day!!
September 10, 2018 @ 9:30 am
Speaking for all Hoosiers we thank the Lord above and the remnants of TS Gordon for sparing us the hit on our school dropout rate in 16 years and 7 1/2 months.
Not to mention the drain on our welfare system and deadbeat dad program for the intervening years.
Amen
September 10, 2018 @ 6:13 pm
I saw them live once (free tickets) and they were horrible. I didn’t really even have anything against them at the time, but the experience really soured me on them. Their music isn’t very good in the first place and in person they’re charisma vaccums. They didn’t interact with the audience AT ALL, all of the dead air between songs was filled by pre-recorded audio that played over the speakers. The one guy didn’t even ever do anything, it made me confused as to why they’re even considered a duo. The guy who actually sings looked like he hadn’t taken a bath in 2 weeks. Every song sounded exactly the same and all of the instruments blended together in a generic mesh of pop rock. To top it off it was ridiculously hot and an outside venue, where I saw multiple fat trashy people bumping and grinding.
Not a recommended experience.
September 11, 2018 @ 2:39 pm
The NASCAR fans were making jokes as well :
https://www.reddit.com/r/NASCAR/comments/9e4qsp/the_bad_news_keeps_coming_fgl_fest_cancelled_and/
September 12, 2018 @ 5:52 pm
So entertaining! I’m guilty of bashing Miranda Lambert for her disfunctional personal lifestyle, so I will take the other fork in the road. I DO enjoy some of the evolution in music ..I’ve been around for a minute. I roll with the changes…and adapt. Back in the 80’s…Def Leopard, Ozzy, Aerosmith all were what some considered “great rock” until they went commercial. Maybe we all should start a network called RCMT (REAL COUNTRY MUSIC TELEVISION) and omit the “POP-cycle stands on it. Not a bad idea right?
September 14, 2018 @ 5:54 pm
Music is made to enjoy! If you enjoy it then why classify it! Go with the flow people…life is way too short and FGL puts on an amazing performance.
September 17, 2018 @ 1:26 pm
An armless lumberjack with an axe handle stuck up his ass chopping wood by turning cart-wheels is also an amazing performance but nobody wants to watch it…