The New Walker Hayes Song “Back By Then” (A Rant)

Down with Pop Country 10 Comments


You’d think after Walker Hayes cratered the entire Monument Records label, and his stupid “Applebee’s Song” was the precursor to the chain shutting down locations, Hayes would finally get the hint and move on from horrifically failing at attempting to make audio entertainment, and in any way couching it as “country.” You’d think this goofy suburban White guy would move onto MLM, or become a youth pastor, or some other grift.

But no, Walker Hayes is back with a new song. And inexplicably, he’s outdone himself by setting a new low on perhaps the lowest bar ever recorded in “country” music history.

I’d rather have my eyes propped open by toothpicks and be water tortured by endless loops of midterm political propaganda ads telling me about politicians turning my kids trans for 48 hours straight than be forced to endure 3 consecutive seconds in the audience of whatever this Walker Hayes thing is on low volume and while wearing industrial-strength ear protection. AI slop portraying the severing of my own genitals to then feed to a voracious otter would make me wince less than the new Walker Hayes song “Back By Then.”

I’m honestly not even trying to be cute or condescending here, but I have absolutely no clue what the f-uck this guy is even saying in this song. Irrespective of anything else, as a song, “Back By Then” is empirically and conclusively 100% incoherent to the sophisticated human brain. You have to be hepped up on some sort of cocktail of anti-anxiety drugs, or bathtub meth, or you’re fluent in White suburban f-ckstick larping as a hip-hopper to comprehend this thing.

Hey Walker, do you talk like this when you’re ordering takeout at Applebee’s, you culturally-appropriating arshole?


“Yeah but Walker Hayes is such a great family man and Christian. Lay off him Trig!”

This dude is 46 years old with six children, and this song is about f-cking in the back seat of a car. That’s what this song is about. Get a load of these lyrics, translated from the Raging Douchebag dialect by Google.

Girl, I bet you wore them jeans on a mission
You ain’t just floating around town, you fishing
Catching feelings that I ought to be fighting
Dang, I’m biting

I know the whole gasoline and matches thing
Was nothing but a smoke and fire and ashes thing
That we don’t need to rewind
Don’t you kinda wanna recline
(Lean with it just a little bit)

Down a backroad to the backwoods
Let’s backslide in the backseat
To a throwback with a backbeat
We can run it back like a track meet

And making the whole thing that much more cringe is the fact that the daughter of Walker Hayes, Lela Hayes, is in the video, and helped choreograph the awkward-ass suburban White kid TikTok line dance that accompanies this monstrosity. And to think some people will couch this crap as “wholesome,” as if this is a daddy/daughter dance in middle school.

Walker Hayes is the equivalent to the 4th string practice squad washout quarterback picking up shifts at Home Depot during the offseason just hoping for some late career Doug Flute comeback. But the days of launching TikTok dance crazes sunset in 2023. Sorry Walker, but you better learn how to fry up cheese sticks at Applebee’s before AI figures out how to automate that occupation too.

Two Guns Down! (0/10)


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