Alli Walker’s New Song “Nashville” (A Rant)

Down with Pop Country 93 Comments


Do they make rape kits for ears? Because if they do, kindly swab the deep abrasions inflicted by the violent and unwanted trespasses upon the inner tympanic canal by this audio abomination to verify the culprits, and then deploy any and all resources to apprehend and prosecute the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law. The public broadcast of this song should constitute crimes against humanity under the articles of the Geneva Conventions. The Gaza Strip is a more hospitable place at this moment than being anywhere within a single decibel’s range of this “song.”

If you’ve ever wondered who those zombies are whose idea of a good time is to frequent Lower Broadway and spend five hours hopping between corporate bars, this song is exclusively for them. It’s for people who believe squeezing into a corner table and ordering $21 sliders on the third story of Jason Aldean’s joint as a cover band plays Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is the avenue to getting them centimeters away the presence of stardom.

Though many of these Lower Broadway dupes like to pretend they’re still in their promiscuous twenties, the average attendee is a 47-year-old pre-diabetic divorcee with a Karen haircut in town for a bachelorette pedal tavern reservation on a Tuesday.

All of these fantasies are indulged by Canadian semi-star Alli Walker and her new song “Nashville.” This song is the lowest form of pandering to the stereotypical Lower Broadway tourist lured into the entertainment corridor by flashing lights, bottomless nachos, and the offhand chance of a Morgan Wallen sighting. And it’s all co-written by the King of Nashville Grift, Mr. Applebee’s himself, Walker Hayes.

I thought we were supposed to look beyond the doltish lyricism of Walker Hayes songs to recognize his strong Christian values and dedication to his family. Meanwhile, here he is co-signing his name to a song that has ladies smacking their asses, grabbing their “goodie goodies” (tits), and drops a straight-up f-bomb in the middle of the song, and right before name dropping the sainted Dolly Parton no less.

Doesn’t Walker Hayes have like six daughters or something? How much of this material is he responsible for writing? It’s strange how values become secondary when you think you’ve written yourself a super hit. In fact, somebody check to make sure Walker Hayes actually had an active hand in writing this song and isn’t just credited because the unoriginality of “Nashville” borrows so heavily from the “Fancy Like” copyrights.

I’m sure Alli Walker and everyone else involved in this song think they have the second coming of Dasha’s “Austin” on their hands here, complete with choreographed line dance moves that Tik-Tok influencers can recreate to send the song viral via payola schemes. But the saving grace might be that “Nashville” is so bad and so transparent in its intentions, even the Lower Broadway crowd isn’t gullible enough fall for it.

The track even says, “I’m feeling famous, star of the honky tonk … I’m BacheLoretta.” It’s an infomercial for idiots to get their asses to Tootsie’s to pay too much for well drinks while listening to Foreigner. It’s an indoctrination for the Lower Broadway basic bitch to blow their retirement on Fireball shots. This song is a Frankenstein cobbling together all the worst elements of Nashville aside from the horrendous lack of parking.

Sure, there are a lot of bad songs out there right now as folks try to exploit the popularity of country to try and make a payday for themselves. But Alli Walker’s “Nashville” is so brazen in its attempts to lure in the unsuspecting Lower Broadway tourist with a personalized theme song, it elicits a rare but worthy rebuke from Saving Country Music’s poison pen.

Alli Walker even twerks like a Canadian.

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